I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
