I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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