no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Randomize
