I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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