College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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