There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
