you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
