I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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