today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
