Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
