shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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