I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
