I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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