Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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