I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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