she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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