i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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