this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
