i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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