it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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