Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
