Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
