on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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