all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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