i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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