Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
