Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
