She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
