i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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