I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
