Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
