Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
