Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
