I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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