Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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