Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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