no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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