nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
