Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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