If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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