My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
