At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize