His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
