went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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