I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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