I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
