My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
