there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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