Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
