i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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