she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
