next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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