well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
