Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
