Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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