It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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