Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We need to get me chipped asap
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
